And that's what happened...

There was a day when we crossed our paths
The meetings grew and we loved to talk
We used to talk even when we were oceans apart
Love was brewing in my heart
Her thoughts didn't let me stray
The smile on her face used to make my day
Then things changed and life took a turn
Uncertainty made the emotions burn
The path was unclear with glooming darkness
Though soon it seemed like destiny was trying to make its ways
The distance by land was getting short
But the hearts were growing apart
I expressed my feelings and proposed her
The response came that she wants someone better
Those words made my heart tear apart
Made me lament my own being of a sort
She was the one with whom I could speak my soul
Whenever I was down she was the one to console
Now here she was causing the ache
Making me feel everything was fake
No one could understand my groan
I realized I'm all alone...!

 - July 27, 2013

P.S.: Inspired by real-life incidents... Reflects a 7 year long story...

Lost Part II

Here's a version 2 of the post I wrote just a few days ago. Seems like something is crazily getting over my head and I just can't part with it. I wish to run, run away from everything, run away where there is nothing, seeking a place with wilderness, a place where the me and the I can be lost - lost forever.

I don't know if the place exists and don't know the path, but at this very moment, I just feel like getting into the car and driving off - driving off to the emptiness - driving off to a place where there are no stop signs to pause - a place where the end takes you away from yourself...

Maybe I'm missing the beach, the place where I hear no one and no one hears me. The place where sobs could be cured by the tranquilizing waters. A place which I've sometimes considered my friend, where I don't feel being lonely even when I'm alone.

I feel like going out with myself, going out to the woods - away from this world - the crafty and the cunning world. I wish to be lost, lost in the space - away from the carnal self.

It seems like I'm sobbing, sobbing endlessly from within. I'm trying hard, but I just can't figure out the reason for it. I think I'm in the pursuit of something, but the object for this quest is unknown. It appears like a search for a lost object or maybe the object that was never there.

This loss is in the head - this loss is of the self - this loss is of the gratitude - this loss is of the emotions - this loss is of the warmth - this loss if of all the good things there are. What is left after this is just me and myself - the carnal self - lost in the wilderness, with no where to go and nothing to do.

Lost

I am lost. Yes, that’s right – LOST…. I’ve forgotten who I am, what I am and where I am. There is no loss in this world which can be greater than loosing your own self. I've lost the purpose, I've lost what was there within me and I've lost myself. I feel like I'm a wanderer, roaming aimlessly without a purpose.

There are a multitude of feelings which are hard to express in words. Feels like the passage of life is hitting me.... hitting me hard. I am living in a world full of randomness, where certainty is undefined and I am a directionless lone atom wandering aimlessly in this large molecule.

The spirit and its spirituality is lost. Frigidness is looming all over. This invincible battle seems purposeless, the rationality is completely irrational and the excogitation causes confusion.

Lost are the people who meant something, lost is the affection and the care. The thoughts and the feelings which were once shared are now lost in this huge wilderness.

The soul is trying to seek a lost place. The search is covert, the path is unknown and the meandering seems eternal... But it still has hope. It's perseverance is the faith moving it all along...

Changing Times

So, it has now been a year since I last wrote on this blog. A lot has changed for me during this year. There was a time when things were going smooth for me and everything was working out nicely, I had started having some good time again. But then as we say it’s always calm before a storm – I suffered from a huge personal loss. It seemed like the whole world has come down for me. Something like this was completely unexpected. It happened about 3 months ago and I’m still unable to get in terms with it. It’s really hard to describe how it feels like.

This one event has tremendously changed the equation for my life. In a matter of seconds, life which was going in a certain direction throws you back without any warning or intimidation. A lot of responsibility has suddenly come onto me and to be honest I am really very scared of messing things up. This trepidation is kind of killing me – uncertainty has never apprehended me to this extent.

It is commonly said that problems don’t come alone. Things are really getting tougher by the day. The rays of hope which come in seldom fade away too soon. Trying to be optimistic, I still want to believe that there might be light at the end of this tunnel.

There are a lot of lessons I’ve learnt during this time. There is an old adage that you get to know your true friends during bad times. Everyone, of us has heard this and believe me it’s not a very good feeling when this fact comes into play. During tough times, most people will part ways taking your friendship as a liability. Believe me no one, absolutely no one would be there standing beside you when you need them the most. Lesson to learn here is: do not expect “anything” from “anyone” – no matter who they are or how close you have been. This world is completely self-centered - period.

One thing is for sure – life moves on. Though, you can never predict where it will lead you to.

Check 1-2-3

It has been a long time since I last wrote on this blog. I just read the last post I wrote about Evanescing Relations and realized that some of the stuff I would have written today is already there in that post. Still, I have a lot more things to add, a lot more to write.

Now, it has been more than 18 months since I left home and been living in a new place which now I call my home. This time has changed me drastically. This has been both the best and the worst time of my life. It has been one the hardest time for me, but has taught me some of the best lessons of life. I'm a lot different person now than I was about 2 years ago. But not all changes are good.

The biggest change I’ve observed is that I have become “emotionally numb”. I am no longer affected by successes and failures – the boundaries of happiness and sadness have faded. This might be because of the plethora of failures I’ve seen during this time and the happiness of just a few small successes. Most of the times I’m just not able to get to terms with what’s happening with me. I do sometimes feel like a looser, but my faith in God and the belief that he does has good for me help me move along.

Another change which is somewhat related to my last post, Evanescing Relations, is that I’ve stopped thinking about people. Except for a very few people which mostly compromise of my immediate family, I don’t care about anyone. I just don’t want to make friends and most of my old friends have lost touch. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have acquaintances or I don’t talk to people. I have started acting very shrewdly when I deal with people. Most of them now are just my contacts which I might need in future. The relationships are becoming emotionless and more practical, which I know is not always good but that’s how the world works.

Being lonely and alone doesn’t haunt me anymore. I’ve learnt to live a solitary life – a life without friends, a life without people I could trust, a life without people I could share my feelings with, a life where there seems to be no-one except “I”. But, this is not something I enjoy. This has not been intentional but situational. Here I’m stuck with a group of people with whom I don’t feel comfortable – I’m not talking of the people from this place but about those come from my country. I’m missing the ‘Saadh Sangat’ (the company of good people). Living a life alone with loneliness is not easy but you eventually get used to it. I still urge to find the one soul which would mean a world for me – yes, the void still exists.

My parents have always tried to inculcate Gurbani and Sikh values within me from the very beginning. I have grown up going to the Gurdwara almost everyday, listening to kirtan, doing seva... I do miss all that, but my faith has grown stronger. Its only Gurbani (the name of the Lord) which gives me strength. I have started doing the complete Nitnem everyday. I have been able to keep my regime of taking daily Hukamnama on the Internet, which has helped me during the hardest of the times. There have been days where my faith flickered but there has always been something which helped me get back on track. Now, I have Amrit on my mind and am all set to become Amritdhari (baptized) as soon as I get an opportunity.

There are many more things which are not the same anymore. My overall way of perceiving life has changed. I sometimes do a “Check-1-2-3” (mic testing) on myself to see if I’m the same person…

Evanescing Relations

With each paradigm shift in your life, there are new people who come and old start to fade away. Your friends start turning into acquaintances and you find new friends in your journey. Life moves on. Yet, there are people who you wished could have stayed with you.

Its strange to see how fast people change. Someone whom you called your good friend, suddenly looses touch with you and you both move in your own direction of life. I have had a few people in my life, who came - became good friends and then started fading away before leaving complete touch of you. These have been some people who had a special place in my life and its not easy to fade them from your lives.

I have had enough of this now. People coming, then going, then new ones coming and then going again. For most of them, I don't care and I no more want the ones for whom I would care. I'll still have some for whom I won't care (just to be social); but I don't think I could handle more of someone who matters and then evanesces off your life.

The one's with whom I'm still trying to stick up have also begun to move. I've started losing almost everyone. People who mattered to me are going away, the distances have started building up. It has happened before and its happening yet again. I know eventually they'll leave. The earlier they do, the easier it would be for me.
(Update: I just realized that I've mentioned something similar in my previous post: "Don't Know What's Happening" - para 3)


Hopefully, I won't have many more of these. Not because I don't expect people to leave; but because I won't have a relationship where I would "care" to part. And I don't mind having those for whom I wouldn't care.

I've also, stopped expecting anything from anyone now. I know it won't be of any use. There had been times I could rely on a few, whom I knew would not let me down; but not anymore.

All that said; there are still a few - who are there and would be there. Till life permits; the relations gifted during birth would be there. I know these are the ones who mean the most. I'll still have the people who are more than friends to me. And then someday, I might have someone special - "a soulmate" (I might just write a complete post on this one).

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ਜਗਤ ਮੈ ਝੂਠੀ ਦੇਖੀ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ॥
Jagaṯ mai jẖūṯẖī ḏekẖī parīṯ.
In this world, I have seen love to be false.

ਅਪਨੇ ਹੀ ਸੁਖ ਸਿਉ ਸਭ ਲਾਗੇ ਕਿਆ ਦਾਰਾ ਕਿਆ ਮੀਤ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
Apne hī sukẖ si▫o sabẖ lāge ki▫ā ḏārā ki▫ā mīṯ. ||1|| rahā▫o.
Whether they are spouses or friends, all are concerned only with their own happiness. ||1||Pause||

SGGS 536

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P.S.: While writing this post, for the first half an hour I wrote and then deleted atleast 3 paragraphs and the heading was changed atleast 5. Was unable to express what I wanted to. This also is not the best depiction of my thoughts, but still presents a relatively good idea about what I was thinking.