Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Check 1-2-3

It has been a long time since I last wrote on this blog. I just read the last post I wrote about Evanescing Relations and realized that some of the stuff I would have written today is already there in that post. Still, I have a lot more things to add, a lot more to write.

Now, it has been more than 18 months since I left home and been living in a new place which now I call my home. This time has changed me drastically. This has been both the best and the worst time of my life. It has been one the hardest time for me, but has taught me some of the best lessons of life. I'm a lot different person now than I was about 2 years ago. But not all changes are good.

The biggest change I’ve observed is that I have become “emotionally numb”. I am no longer affected by successes and failures – the boundaries of happiness and sadness have faded. This might be because of the plethora of failures I’ve seen during this time and the happiness of just a few small successes. Most of the times I’m just not able to get to terms with what’s happening with me. I do sometimes feel like a looser, but my faith in God and the belief that he does has good for me help me move along.

Another change which is somewhat related to my last post, Evanescing Relations, is that I’ve stopped thinking about people. Except for a very few people which mostly compromise of my immediate family, I don’t care about anyone. I just don’t want to make friends and most of my old friends have lost touch. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have acquaintances or I don’t talk to people. I have started acting very shrewdly when I deal with people. Most of them now are just my contacts which I might need in future. The relationships are becoming emotionless and more practical, which I know is not always good but that’s how the world works.

Being lonely and alone doesn’t haunt me anymore. I’ve learnt to live a solitary life – a life without friends, a life without people I could trust, a life without people I could share my feelings with, a life where there seems to be no-one except “I”. But, this is not something I enjoy. This has not been intentional but situational. Here I’m stuck with a group of people with whom I don’t feel comfortable – I’m not talking of the people from this place but about those come from my country. I’m missing the ‘Saadh Sangat’ (the company of good people). Living a life alone with loneliness is not easy but you eventually get used to it. I still urge to find the one soul which would mean a world for me – yes, the void still exists.

My parents have always tried to inculcate Gurbani and Sikh values within me from the very beginning. I have grown up going to the Gurdwara almost everyday, listening to kirtan, doing seva... I do miss all that, but my faith has grown stronger. Its only Gurbani (the name of the Lord) which gives me strength. I have started doing the complete Nitnem everyday. I have been able to keep my regime of taking daily Hukamnama on the Internet, which has helped me during the hardest of the times. There have been days where my faith flickered but there has always been something which helped me get back on track. Now, I have Amrit on my mind and am all set to become Amritdhari (baptized) as soon as I get an opportunity.

There are many more things which are not the same anymore. My overall way of perceiving life has changed. I sometimes do a “Check-1-2-3” (mic testing) on myself to see if I’m the same person…