O My Mind!

O My Mind, Why Do you Waver...
Where is that belief...
Where is that faith...

Why do you forget about the good things you have...
And always crib about what more you want...
Why can't you be satiated with these blessings...

Why are you always pessimistic about the circumstances…
Where is the optimism of your faith...
Why do you forget that everything will be given to you...
And at the very moment you need it the most...
Why then do you waver and feel appalled...

Why do you botch up your present, by thinking of the future…
Why can’t you live in the beautiful moment you have been given…
Why do you forget that there’s the One who cares…

You know everything is done by Him…
You know He is the one you can trust the most…
You know there is no one else as great as Him…
Then, why don’t you have faith in His actions…

You know He has given you all the strength…
You know He has never let you down…
You know He has always done good for you…
If that’s the case, then why do you worry…

O My Mind, Why Do you Waver...
Where is that belief...
Where is that faith...


P.S.: Today, after I thought about writing something on this theme, there were a few lines which striked me while I was taking the hukamnama:

suK mY Awin bhuqu imil bYTq rhq chU idis GyrY ]
sukh mai aan bahuth mil bait(h)ath rehath chehoo dhis ghaerai
In good times, many come and sit together, surrounding you on all four sides.

ibpiq prI sB hI sMgu Cwifq koaU n Awvq nyrY ]1]
bipath paree sabh hee sa(n)g shhaaddith kooo n aavath naerai 1
But when hard times come, they all leave, and no one comes near you. 1

Page 634, SGGS

O Nanak, false is the speech of one who acts without loving the Lord. He judges things to be good, only as long as the Lord gives and he receives.

Page 594, SGGS

I am a wicked sinner and a great hypocrite; You are the Immaculate and Formless Lord. Tasting the Ambrosial Nectar, I am imbued with supreme bliss; O Lord and Master, I seek Your Sanctuary.

Page 596, SGGS

Your Glories are so numerous, and I do not know even one of them; I am such a fool — please, give me some of them! Prays Nanak, listen, O my Lord Master: I am sinking like a stone — please, save me!

Page 596, SGGS

Don't Know What's Happening

Failure - Reject – Unsuccessful these are the words that are slowly becoming apt with my life. I don't know what's happening, why's it happening; just can’t understand the things going out in my life. Its easy to satisfy oneself by saying that whatever happens, happens for a reason – and it will be something good for you; but its difficult to believe in it when there are consistent bad events happening with you. I am feeling being left behind in both professional and personal aspects.

The past 6 months have been a bane for my professional life. After having immense professional successes for quite a long time, its really difficult to cope with multiple failures and obviously so. My coming to US with so much hope and expectations is seemingly becoming one of the worst decisions I took. I don’t say that I absolutely didn’t have had any success in anything. There were some things – I can really recall merely a couple of them, think that’s all that really made me proud and happy. But, there were much more reasons to put me down. Its feeling like I am standing in a big crowd and people are moving ahead and I am lost somewhere behind most people in this race. Its not that I’ve not tried to move ahead, I tried to push myself, push myself really hard but the harder I push the more is the reflex I face. My confidence is breaking and I have started feeling like a big looser lost in a large crowd. I have been ahead of this crowd all my life and being lost in it – rather being left behind it is something which is really difficult to take.

These professional blemishes are not the only despair in my life. I am lost in this country without any friends or anyone. Of course, there are people I know, with whom I “seem to enjoy”, but they are mere acquaintances. I do smile and laugh sometimes, but those smiles and laughs are without joy - they are a mirage of my concealed feelings. I have almost forgotten how it feels to be happy and jubilant. I do have some good friends back home but they seem to be parting with me – or maybe I seem to be parting with them. Rather, there is a feeling of having lost most of them and it seems that others won’t stay for long too. This lack of confidence in personal relationships is also somewhat due to these continuous professional failures. I feel alone in this world with my solitude, trying to run away from everyone – maybe, I just want to be alone breaking away with everyone all at once to avoid pains of parting with them separately. I do feel the need of having someone – a second self – who I would know is always there… (maybe, I’ll write a complete post on it someday, it has been on my agenda since a long time).

There have been times when I felt good about something and seemed that everything would be fine. But, whenever I feel that things are getting better, something good is happening; it is always followed by a gloomy incident which shatters all my hopes. Just can't understand what's happening, but still "hope its happening for good" (can't really feel that way any more...).