Evanescing Relations

With each paradigm shift in your life, there are new people who come and old start to fade away. Your friends start turning into acquaintances and you find new friends in your journey. Life moves on. Yet, there are people who you wished could have stayed with you.

Its strange to see how fast people change. Someone whom you called your good friend, suddenly looses touch with you and you both move in your own direction of life. I have had a few people in my life, who came - became good friends and then started fading away before leaving complete touch of you. These have been some people who had a special place in my life and its not easy to fade them from your lives.

I have had enough of this now. People coming, then going, then new ones coming and then going again. For most of them, I don't care and I no more want the ones for whom I would care. I'll still have some for whom I won't care (just to be social); but I don't think I could handle more of someone who matters and then evanesces off your life.

The one's with whom I'm still trying to stick up have also begun to move. I've started losing almost everyone. People who mattered to me are going away, the distances have started building up. It has happened before and its happening yet again. I know eventually they'll leave. The earlier they do, the easier it would be for me.
(Update: I just realized that I've mentioned something similar in my previous post: "Don't Know What's Happening" - para 3)


Hopefully, I won't have many more of these. Not because I don't expect people to leave; but because I won't have a relationship where I would "care" to part. And I don't mind having those for whom I wouldn't care.

I've also, stopped expecting anything from anyone now. I know it won't be of any use. There had been times I could rely on a few, whom I knew would not let me down; but not anymore.

All that said; there are still a few - who are there and would be there. Till life permits; the relations gifted during birth would be there. I know these are the ones who mean the most. I'll still have the people who are more than friends to me. And then someday, I might have someone special - "a soulmate" (I might just write a complete post on this one).

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
ਜਗਤ ਮੈ ਝੂਠੀ ਦੇਖੀ ਪ੍ਰੀਤਿ ॥
Jagaṯ mai jẖūṯẖī ḏekẖī parīṯ.
In this world, I have seen love to be false.

ਅਪਨੇ ਹੀ ਸੁਖ ਸਿਉ ਸਭ ਲਾਗੇ ਕਿਆ ਦਾਰਾ ਕਿਆ ਮੀਤ ॥੧॥ ਰਹਾਉ ॥
Apne hī sukẖ si▫o sabẖ lāge ki▫ā ḏārā ki▫ā mīṯ. ||1|| rahā▫o.
Whether they are spouses or friends, all are concerned only with their own happiness. ||1||Pause||

SGGS 536

----------------------------------------------------------------------------



P.S.: While writing this post, for the first half an hour I wrote and then deleted atleast 3 paragraphs and the heading was changed atleast 5. Was unable to express what I wanted to. This also is not the best depiction of my thoughts, but still presents a relatively good idea about what I was thinking.

O My Mind!

O My Mind, Why Do you Waver...
Where is that belief...
Where is that faith...

Why do you forget about the good things you have...
And always crib about what more you want...
Why can't you be satiated with these blessings...

Why are you always pessimistic about the circumstances…
Where is the optimism of your faith...
Why do you forget that everything will be given to you...
And at the very moment you need it the most...
Why then do you waver and feel appalled...

Why do you botch up your present, by thinking of the future…
Why can’t you live in the beautiful moment you have been given…
Why do you forget that there’s the One who cares…

You know everything is done by Him…
You know He is the one you can trust the most…
You know there is no one else as great as Him…
Then, why don’t you have faith in His actions…

You know He has given you all the strength…
You know He has never let you down…
You know He has always done good for you…
If that’s the case, then why do you worry…

O My Mind, Why Do you Waver...
Where is that belief...
Where is that faith...


P.S.: Today, after I thought about writing something on this theme, there were a few lines which striked me while I was taking the hukamnama:

suK mY Awin bhuqu imil bYTq rhq chU idis GyrY ]
sukh mai aan bahuth mil bait(h)ath rehath chehoo dhis ghaerai
In good times, many come and sit together, surrounding you on all four sides.

ibpiq prI sB hI sMgu Cwifq koaU n Awvq nyrY ]1]
bipath paree sabh hee sa(n)g shhaaddith kooo n aavath naerai 1
But when hard times come, they all leave, and no one comes near you. 1

Page 634, SGGS

O Nanak, false is the speech of one who acts without loving the Lord. He judges things to be good, only as long as the Lord gives and he receives.

Page 594, SGGS

I am a wicked sinner and a great hypocrite; You are the Immaculate and Formless Lord. Tasting the Ambrosial Nectar, I am imbued with supreme bliss; O Lord and Master, I seek Your Sanctuary.

Page 596, SGGS

Your Glories are so numerous, and I do not know even one of them; I am such a fool — please, give me some of them! Prays Nanak, listen, O my Lord Master: I am sinking like a stone — please, save me!

Page 596, SGGS

Don't Know What's Happening

Failure - Reject – Unsuccessful these are the words that are slowly becoming apt with my life. I don't know what's happening, why's it happening; just can’t understand the things going out in my life. Its easy to satisfy oneself by saying that whatever happens, happens for a reason – and it will be something good for you; but its difficult to believe in it when there are consistent bad events happening with you. I am feeling being left behind in both professional and personal aspects.

The past 6 months have been a bane for my professional life. After having immense professional successes for quite a long time, its really difficult to cope with multiple failures and obviously so. My coming to US with so much hope and expectations is seemingly becoming one of the worst decisions I took. I don’t say that I absolutely didn’t have had any success in anything. There were some things – I can really recall merely a couple of them, think that’s all that really made me proud and happy. But, there were much more reasons to put me down. Its feeling like I am standing in a big crowd and people are moving ahead and I am lost somewhere behind most people in this race. Its not that I’ve not tried to move ahead, I tried to push myself, push myself really hard but the harder I push the more is the reflex I face. My confidence is breaking and I have started feeling like a big looser lost in a large crowd. I have been ahead of this crowd all my life and being lost in it – rather being left behind it is something which is really difficult to take.

These professional blemishes are not the only despair in my life. I am lost in this country without any friends or anyone. Of course, there are people I know, with whom I “seem to enjoy”, but they are mere acquaintances. I do smile and laugh sometimes, but those smiles and laughs are without joy - they are a mirage of my concealed feelings. I have almost forgotten how it feels to be happy and jubilant. I do have some good friends back home but they seem to be parting with me – or maybe I seem to be parting with them. Rather, there is a feeling of having lost most of them and it seems that others won’t stay for long too. This lack of confidence in personal relationships is also somewhat due to these continuous professional failures. I feel alone in this world with my solitude, trying to run away from everyone – maybe, I just want to be alone breaking away with everyone all at once to avoid pains of parting with them separately. I do feel the need of having someone – a second self – who I would know is always there… (maybe, I’ll write a complete post on it someday, it has been on my agenda since a long time).

There have been times when I felt good about something and seemed that everything would be fine. But, whenever I feel that things are getting better, something good is happening; it is always followed by a gloomy incident which shatters all my hopes. Just can't understand what's happening, but still "hope its happening for good" (can't really feel that way any more...).

Tanhayee

Doesn't need any words......




Tanhayee Tanhayee
Dil Ke Raaste Mein
Kaisi Thokar Maine Khaayi
Toote Khwaab Saare Ek Mayusi Hai Chhayi
Har Khushi So Gayi Zindagi Kho Gayi
Tumko Jo Pyaar Kiya Maine To Saza Maine Paayi
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Milo Hai Faili Huvi Tanhayee
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Milo Hai Fali Hoye Tanhayee

Khwaab Mein Dekha Tha Ek Aanchal Maine Apne Haatho Mein
Ab Toote Sapno Ke Shishe Chubte Hai In Aankhon Mein
Khwaab Mein Dekha Tha Ek Aanchal Maine Apne Haatho Mein
Ab Toote Sapno Ke Shishe Chubte Hai In Aankhon Mein
Kal Koyi Tha Yahin Ab Koyi Bhi Nahin
Ban Ke Naagin Jaise Hai Saason Mein Lehrayi
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Palko Pe Kitne Aansoon Hai Laayi
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Palko Pe Kitne Aansoon Hai Laayi

Kyon Aisi Umeed Ki Maine Jo Aisi Naakaam Huvi
Door Banayi Thi Manzil To Raste Mein Hi Shaam Huvi
Kyon Aisi Umeed Ki Maine Jo Aisi Naakaam Huvi
Door Banayi Thi Manzil To Raste Mein Hi Shaam Huvi
Ab Kahan Jaao Main
Kisi Ko Samjaon Main
Kya Maine Chaha Tha Aur
Kyon Kismat Main Aayi
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Jaise Andhero Ki Ho Gehrayi
Dil Ke Raaste Mein
Kaisi Thokar Maine Khaayi
Toote Khwaab Saare Ek Mayusi Hai Chhayi
Har Khushi So Gayi Zindagi Kho Gayi
Tumko Jo Pyaar Kiya Maine To Saza Maine Paayi
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Milo Hai Faili Huvi Tanhayee
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Milo Hai Fali Hoye Tanhayee
Tanhayee Tanhayee
Tanhayee Tanhayee

P.S.: Sentences in lyrics emphasized deliberately

Coming to a Foreign Land - The first month

Why did I come here? That's the question I'm trying to answer since I have arrived in US (almost going to be a month now). Ofcourse, there's an official purpose - education and a good career afterwards. But before coming here I had numerous other reasons for being here. Maybe after coming here, I've forgot most of those. One of them being to make myself stronger internally - spiritually, intellectually and emotionally. Also, somewhere inside me I wished experience a life without the leisurely comforts I have been used too; obviously it was very stupid to think so.

My first few days were really bad. It was a complete change of life for me. I had to do the daily chores which I hadn't done ever before. Adjusting to this was difficult and it took time to get used to it. Also, one of the most distressing thing was that I could not do my daily Paath and Hukamnama routine. I did start doing Paath after 2-3 days, but still there was something missing. I didn't had a laptop, so taking a hukamnama was almost impossible. I got my laptop after 5-6 days; but it took me around 12-15 days before I could get back to my routine. But... (I don't know what to say...) Still, I feel deprived of something; maybe my Gurdwara routine.

Another reason for my distress is my roommates. I guess, I have chosen wrong roommates to live with. They are not like me; and I can't definitely become like them. They drink and one of them was a surd who has cut his hair. I have friends who drink and had thought I would be able to live with people who do so. But the only thing they have to talk about is drinks, sex and none of their sentence is complete without a abusive word. I had wished companionship of 'Sat Sangat' (good people) and I had to live with people like these. I never even maintained acquaintance with people like these and now I'm in a situation where I have to live with them. There's nothing I can really do about it and was afraid that I don't take any of their bad habits.

But then, as always, there was the power of Gurbani to help me out. A katha by Prof. Darshan Singh Ji of the shabad 'Jo-Jo Dise So-So Rogi' came across my mind. I had listened to it several times, while driving. In this Prof. sahib metaphorically describes a Sikh's life as that of a sandalwood tree. He says that the poisonous snakes can never harm the fragrance of sandalwood, instead the sandalwood still spreads its aroma inspite of being surrounded by those snakes. Similarly, a Sikhs life can't be harmed by bad people, rather they spread their own fragrance. This one example gave me strength. I try to fill my inner mind with the chants of Waheguru whenever I hear a abusive word from them. Ofcourse, its not always possible; but still I try. Maybe that may help me keep-off acquiring some bad habits. Its not that I myself don't have any bad habits, I agree that I do have many - infact a plethora of them but am always (maybe, sometimes or maybe, a very few times) trying to improve.

One of the most disturbing thing while living here is the feeling of loneliness. Back home, I had a great support system of my family and friends. Out here, there's no-one with whom I can talk. Sometimes I feel that where have I come. There's nothing out here, just a laptop with which you have to hang out in your room. I do talk with my family almost daily, but can't share everything with them; else they may take tension. I do call up a few friends sometimes but the time-difference and their schedules usually restrict me of the opportunities I can get to talk with them. This feeling of solitude sometimes takes such a large toll that it haunts incessantly. I sometimes feel that, I should leave everything out here and go back "home". And yes, there's a certain positive thing about all this - I have suddenly become more obedient of the advice/suggestions of my family members, which earlier I sometimes wouldn't agree upon.

What I am overall experiencing out here is a miserable state of mind. "Miserable" also looks like a euphemism to describe it; it almost feels like I've come from heaven to hell. Here is a couplet which comes to my mind:
Jadon Na Kuch, Vikhe Agge
Taayion Banda, Vekhe Pichhe
(When the future looks unclear; only then a person looks back and relishes his past)


P.S.: I was in a deplorable state of mind when I started writing this post. (So, I really don't know what all have I written in it and where it came from. The post maybe incoherent and ungrammatical.) But, after spitting out everything I am feeling a lot better.

I cry alone...

I cry alone, I cry alone
In the wilderness of broken hopes
I know its stupid to cry
But its better than being sly

I don't want to live
I don't want to die
It feels like my life has dried
Loneliness prevailing as my friend

Darkness makes me happy
I’m frightened by the light
Its weird how the circumstances arrange
And the conventional feelings change

Now these pugnacious feelings arouse
I kick on the bed, I punch on my face
Trying to suppress my emotions
By having this physical pain

I lie apart and close my eyes
I try to move astray, imaginations going wild
Then, a tear flows down the narrow lane
Reminding me about that awful pain

I pray to the Almighty to help me out
It gives me hope and sanguinity sprouts
The eyes are numb, the lips are dry
Life gives challenges, but I have to try


--------- P.S. ---------

These words have been spurted out of a disproportionate me
After a long haul of events that happened with me
This attempt to write a poem is the first I've tried
And by the grace of God, its something I liked