Failure - Reject – Unsuccessful these are the words that are slowly becoming apt with my life. I don't know what's happening, why's it happening; just can’t understand the things going out in my life. Its easy to satisfy oneself by saying that whatever happens, happens for a reason – and it will be something good for you; but its difficult to believe in it when there are consistent bad events happening with you. I am feeling being left behind in both professional and personal aspects.
The past 6 months have been a bane for my professional life. After having immense professional successes for quite a long time, its really difficult to cope with multiple failures and obviously so. My coming to US with so much hope and expectations is seemingly becoming one of the worst decisions I took. I don’t say that I absolutely didn’t have had any success in anything. There were some things – I can really recall merely a couple of them, think that’s all that really made me proud and happy. But, there were much more reasons to put me down. Its feeling like I am standing in a big crowd and people are moving ahead and I am lost somewhere behind most people in this race. Its not that I’ve not tried to move ahead, I tried to push myself, push myself really hard but the harder I push the more is the reflex I face. My confidence is breaking and I have started feeling like a big looser lost in a large crowd. I have been ahead of this crowd all my life and being lost in it – rather being left behind it is something which is really difficult to take.
These professional blemishes are not the only despair in my life. I am lost in this country without any friends or anyone. Of course, there are people I know, with whom I “seem to enjoy”, but they are mere acquaintances. I do smile and laugh sometimes, but those smiles and laughs are without joy - they are a mirage of my concealed feelings. I have almost forgotten how it feels to be happy and jubilant. I do have some good friends back home but they seem to be parting with me – or maybe I seem to be parting with them. Rather, there is a feeling of having lost most of them and it seems that others won’t stay for long too. This lack of confidence in personal relationships is also somewhat due to these continuous professional failures. I feel alone in this world with my solitude, trying to run away from everyone – maybe, I just want to be alone breaking away with everyone all at once to avoid pains of parting with them separately. I do feel the need of having someone – a second self – who I would know is always there… (maybe, I’ll write a complete post on it someday, it has been on my agenda since a long time).
There have been times when I felt good about something and seemed that everything would be fine. But, whenever I feel that things are getting better, something good is happening; it is always followed by a gloomy incident which shatters all my hopes. Just can't understand what's happening, but still "hope its happening for good" (can't really feel that way any more...).